lullaby

I'm sorry if the following story is incoherent...it's still hard for me to explain to myself what happened, but I feel like I need to write it down even if I can't convey everything as well as it deserves to be conveyed.

So yesterday, I spent the whole day fasting and praying and reading Jeremiah, and that was good. Then I went out to dinner with some friends and we got back sort of late, around 9 or 9:30 PM. I knew I'd be alone in the room for the night because my roommate was out climbing Tai Shan, but I didn't think anything of it, because I haven't gotten creeped out by the dark in awhile. But for some reason, as I was getting ready to go to bed last night, I started getting really afraid, and I don't even know what I was afraid of. All of the lights were on, and I felt safe in the sense that I didn't expect any murderers to come into my room at night. But I just had this really tense scared feeling while I was brushing my teeth and coming into my room, and when I turned off the light and got into bed I tried closing my eyes and sleeping, but my heart was sort of fluttering, and I felt this pressure and tightness in/on my chest that wouldn't go away no matter how many deep slow breaths I tried to take. I didn't want to admit that I was afraid, because I felt like that would make me REALLY scared, so I just kept telling myself, "There's absolutely no reason for me to be afraid of anything. God is always with me, etc." And then I prayed and said Jesus's name out loud over and over and that calmed me down a little, but the pressure in my chest didn't go away and I just couldn't shake the weird/bad/scary feelings.

So then I turned on my computer and started playing Misty Edwards songs, because that usually always helps me calm down/fall asleep or at least lets me enter into worship and forget about everything else. But even though I heard the music and understood that the messages in it were supposed to be comforting and true, it was like her voice was just noise going into my ears. All I could really hear was my heart rate going really fast and myself trying to breathe slower.

I had no idea why this was happening, or even what was happening, because I'd been totally fine all day until this point. A lot of theories drifted into my head, but I was too scared to give them much thought. I was so tempted to call someone and just have them talk me out of it, or talk to me until I got tired enough to fall asleep. But finally I just burst out saying, "God, I'm scared! Why am I so scared? You're supposed to be the God who's close to me, who talks to me. You say that I can recognize Your voice. So Jesus, please just talk to me. Give me that peace that You promise!" Almost right away, this thought came into my head that I thought could be from God: "Turn off the music and I'll sing you to sleep." It was a semi-weird statement, which I thought I could be making up in my half-delirium. But something about it felt trustworthy, so almost without hesitation, I closed my computer (which, until that point, I had been really scared to do , because that meant the room would get totally dark and silent).

The moment my computer shut off, I felt PEACE fall on me like a huge blanket. There's just no other way to describe it. My whole body relaxed, the pressure on my chest went away, and there was no trace of fear or anxiety in me. I couldn't have conjured up fear if I'd tried.

And then as I lay there, I heard felt God's presence right next to me, probably the strongest I've ever felt it. I just KNEW it was Him! And He said, "I really enjoyed the time you spent with me today." I can't think of a more beautiful moment in my life. I can't think of anything better or sweeter than those words, and the way I felt them enter my heart/mind/spirit. It was just so tender and pure, and it was so unmistakably Him--the Creator of the universe, so close to me! Immediately, tears came to my eyes and all I could say back was, "Wow." And then He let me know, not exactly in words, the way the first words came, but more in impression/feeling, that He was proud of me for how I'd told my friends at dinner about my relationship with Him. And again, I was like like "Wow...thank You." Then, I think I asked Him why I'd been so scared, but instead of giving me reasons, all He said was, "You have absolutely no need to fear."

I think I fell asleep pretty soon after that. It's so weird...I just can't really describe what happened, nor do I understand that whole chain of events. All I know is that it was SO AWESOME! I called on Him, and He really answered me! It was that simple. I feel like this experience has given me so much more confidence in Him, in that fact that He will unfailingly come to me whenever I need Him.

Anywayyyyy just wanted to share that. Hopefully it made some sense!